Making Good Mistakes Part 2

One book I've really enjoyed is called Failing Forward.  Again, ironic.  But is it?   It's one thing to allow our kids to make mistakes and learn from them, but what about ourselves.  As adults, mistakes seem to be bad things.  As I've said to our kids, "If you're not making any mistakes, you're just not trying hard enough!"

The reason we make mistakes is because we're trying something new. We haven't mastered a skill yet and we're practising.  When we learn to ride a bike on two wheels, we wobble, maybe fall off, but it's not seen as a mistake.  We're just learning.  Somehow, when we grow up, however, we get a new job for example, we're not learning, we're making mistakes we're ashamed of.  What changed? 

When we're kids, we are learning to be friends and get along with others.  We say and do dumb things.  Fortunately as kids, we have short memories, and don't hold grudges for years. We forget and are friends again.  But, we become adults, get into relationships, say and do dumb things, but these are seen as mistakes and we're punished for them.  Unfortunately, we're just learning, but we're not given the grace to make a mistake because we're adults now, and we should know better. 

Young adults are new to having adult relationships.  Ofcourse they'll make mistakes.  When we're newly married, we're adluts, but we've never been married before, ofcourse we'll make mistakes.  We have a baby.  We've never had one before.  We'll make mistakes while we're learning.  Then you have another baby.  You think you'll know what to do, but this baby is different from the last one.  You're almost back to square one. 

What about decisions we make as adults, when our children are old enough to realise things didn't quite turn out as we had hoped.  Do we try to hide our disappointment and our mistake.  When we say and do something dumb, do we hide it or own and it, and apologise.  When we have conflict, are we able to model how to resolve a conflict or how to keep a grudge.  When we have a failure, are we showing our kids how to be deluded, how to quit or how to get up back up and try again. By trying to avoid misatkes, we're saying we don't want to try anything new, because we're scared or we may look silly.

Mistakes aren't the problem. It's how we resond to them and get back up again, dream a new dream, and keep going. 

Making Good Mistakes

Ironic?  How do we make a good mistake? Is it even possible.  The trouble with parents is that we always think we're right.  We're older, supposedly wiser and have more experience.  We know stuff, right.  Therefore our children should always obey us without question.  We don't negotiate becausewe're always right.  Besides, we're bigger, have more power, and we want things done our way.  Regardless of our age, this sounds like our parents,  But before we know it, we have become our parents and we cringe.

I remember one day when our kids were younger, I had said we were going to do something fun.  I don't remember what it was.  But one of them misbehaved, so I said, "Well, we were going to bla bla, but now we're notbecause you've been naughty."  My daughter was very upset and said, "You always do that.  It's not fair.  You say you're going to do something and then you take it away."  Ouch!  She was about nine years old, and she was right.  That's not fair.  I had ablind spot and I needed to listen to my nine year old to know about it.  I had made a mistake. 

After thinking about it, I said to the kids I hadn't been fair.  Let's go bla, bla.  I admitted I was wrong.  I don't recall my parents ever doing that.  Even when it was obvious they were wrong, we all pretended it wasn't, so as to keep up the illusion and avoid conflict.

Another example of not being fair happened before we began home schooling.  Our daughter had misbehaved at school.  I can't remember what she did.  Something trivial I'm sure.  Schools can be so petty.  She was punished at school, and a letter came home, so I punished her as well!  Again my daughter protested that she had already been punished, and it wasn't fair to be punished twice.  She was right.  So I didn't apply another consequence.  In hindsight, I would have been better to comfort her and ask her what happened.  Instead I was out for perfection and to erradicate all mistakes.  To be seen to be a good parent by disciplining.  I could have been a better parentby being loving and understanding and keeping my word.

Allowing our children to make mistakes is part of them growing up.  Perhaps, it's part of our growing up as parents?  Mistakes are good if we learn from them. 

We're No Different, But Shouldn't We Be?

Ever been hurt in the church.  No surprise there, right?  If you've been in church any length of time, you've probably been hurt. The church only has one problem - it's full of people!  Worse still, one of them is me.

I often explain to my clients how church is like any other organisation.  People have faults, and hurt each other.  Sometimes on purpose, but usually by mistake.  Paul was talking with someone last week who had joined a medieval re-enactment club.  He loved it because he felt accepted.  Even though people were from all different walks of life, with different opinions, they all shared the loved of all things medieval, and that held them happily and co-operatively together.  That what church should be like.  All different, but getting along because of the common bond of Christ.

The irony is that the mere fact that we are Christian is because we realise we are not perfect.  That's why we need a saviour in Jesus Christ, who is the only perfect one.  Middle Eastern cultures also believe only God is perfect. When Persian rugs were made, they always had at least one deliberate mistake in the pattern, because only Alla is perfect.

For some strange reason, however, when we get into the church, we start pretending we are now perfect, set unrealistic standards for ourselves and others, and expect everyone else to be perfect too.  Ofcourse, perfect to our own way of thinking.  Everyone has a different idea of what perfect might look like, hence another reason for conflict. 

To increase the pressure for perfection, somehow, we've managed to communicate to the community that we're perfect.   They also have that expectation.  You know how excited the media becomes when a preacher falls from grace, especially with financial or sexual sin.  They gloat and mock at our lack of perfection.

One of the challenges we face in the church is exchanging the truth for a lie.  The truth is we are way less than perfect.  The bible repeatedly tells us so.  We are sinners, we have fallen short, our hearts are desperately wicked, our righteousness is like filthy rags - need I go on!  God knows we're not perfect, but still we try to  impress Him and others with our version of perfect. 

The lie is that we think we can achieve perfection in this life.  We can't.  But we never let the truth get in the way of a limiting belief, that essentially we can be like God -perfect.  Now,where have we heard that before?  That's right.  That's how Lucifer fell and became Satan.  We don't like to hear this, but when we think we can be perfect, or pretend to be perfect, we think we can be like God.  That is a recipe for disaster.

We are constantly surprised when we are hurt in church, but we shouldn't be.  We're in the company of fallen sinners. What did we expect!  The church is not perfect, but it is a place where can learn to give and receive grace and forgiveness. As my friend shared at our "How People Grow" group, everyone is entitled to a silly five minutes.  People have bad days and say and do unkind things.  It's just life.  But God is giving us the opportunity to grow, to learn to forgive and accept people, imperfections and all.  It's not our job to give people what we think they deserve.  Imagine if God gave us what we deserve!

The bible tells us others will know we are Christians by our love, not by our perfection.  Love is where we know each others faults and mistakes, but love and accept them any way.  That's where we should be different.

Not In The Mood?

This is a comment we hear often.  I hear it in counselling and Paul hears it with naturopathy.  It's a really common secret, and it's not just women. 

There can be a number of reasons for not being in the mood.

1. Unresolved conflict
2. Resentment
3. Pay back
4. Control - saying no because you can
5. Hormonal imbalance
6. Not recognising changes with ages and stages of life
7. Stress
8. Depression
9. Medication
10. Diabetes

Desire discrepancy can cause a great deal of tension in relationships and it's one of the most difficult areas for many couples to talk about. 

Sex makes a mean weapon in a relationship.  One person can with hold sex to punish the other.  Instead of communicating effectively, one person communicates their unhappiness by with holding.  With holding sex is a form of communication.  The other person gets a message, but it's not a productive way to make a point, and it doesn't lead to resolving the issue.

Health issue also impact desire.  This can include diabetes, medication and depression.  Disability due to a health condition or an accident.  Pain. 

Stages of life bring changes in desire.  After a baby, mum and dad can be so tired it's the last thing on their mind.  There may be time needed for recovery after a delivery.  Desire can change as we get older.  As we age, it can take longer, and not last a slong or be as intense.  Menopause can impact desire.  Various times of the month can influence a woman's desire. 

Lifestyle can be unhelpful. Too much stress, being too busy or too tired.  Partners working away.  Sometimes when Paul speaks to couples about fertility, he asks them if they're having sex. Seems like a no brainer, you'd think?  Not so.  Many couples aren't having sex often enough, because they're too tired or too busy.

The good news is that you don't have to be in the mood to have sex.  Having an orgasm is an involuntary response.  If you do the right things, you can become interested, and end up enjoying sexual intimacy together.  It sounds very unromantic in some ways, but you can schedule sex.  Make sure you're not tired.  Plan for it.  Looking forward to an encounter can give you something to look forward to all day, instead of dreading the last job of the day.

1. Learn better ways to resolve conflict and issues
2. Have a health check - physical, mental and hormonal
3. Manage your time
4. Manage your stress
5. Plan times of intimacy
6. Consider saying yes anyway

If we continue to not be in the mood, we're asking our partners to go out into the chocolate shop, and not think about eating chocolate, not to touch chocolate, and certainly not to eat it.  We are surrounded by temptation all day, we starve our partners, leave them hungry and expect them not to think about eating, when it's being put in their face every day.  We don't want to meet their needs, but we don't them to meet them any where else either.  It's a bit unfair wouldn't you say?  Men and women are falling to temptation.

It's OK to say no sometimes, but often we can choose to be loving and say yes. 

Who's To Blame?

The other day I had cause to be annoyed with my husband.  I drove into the carport, and ran over the canvas that covered the piano.  The canvas is held in place by some bricks on top.  As I drove over the canvas, it went under the tyre, pulled the canvas, and the brick fell onto the car, leaving a rectangular dent.  If he had tucked the canvas under the piano, put the bricks further back or even organised to sell the unwanted piano, this wouldn't have happened.  When he heard the bang, he rushed out, and my first thought was, "This is all your fault!"  Fortunately, I didn't verbalise that.

After I thought about it, it was actually my fault.  I could have tucked the canvas in.  I could have moved the bricks back, I could have sold the piano, but it's me who wasn't ready to part with it yet, even though it's been in the carport for 3 years.  The whole reason the piano is there at all, is because of me.

It's so easy for our first thought to be to blame the other person.  If we can take a moment, we might be able to ask ourselves, "How did I contribute to this?"  It comes down to being able to take responsibility for ourselves, our actions, choices and responses.  We're not always willing to do this.

Often we can catch ourselves having the most stupid arguments.  If it wasn't for our pride, we'd burst out laughing and just stop.  If we

• take a step back, we can see our part
• take responsibility for ourselves
• and choose to let some things go.

It only took me 2 days to see the light and apologise for denting the car.  Lucky for me, Paul said, "Oh well, it's just a hunk of metal anyway. I love you more than the car."

Stay-cations

          

 One important aspect of developing a family identity is doing things together.  Family holidays and couple retreats help us bond through shared experiences.  Money doesn't have to be an issue with a stay-cation.
A stay-cation is where you use home as a base for your break, using the money saved on accommodation could be used for activities and easy meals.  We've lived in a number of different cities around Australia and found tourist information centres a great source of ideas.  There are countless free things to do:

•  visit different parks
•  beaches
•  museums
• art galleries
• use the street directory to find new places to go
•  google
•  newspapers.

Get outside away from the electronics and multiple forms of communication for a while, and have a conversation with your family.

We're not born understanding one another, even though we're in the same family.  It takes time and effort to develop rapport.  Shared activities like

•  playing together with board games
• cards
• Wii
•  with a ball outside

 helps us to do this.  Inevitably, funny things happen. Laughing together is great family glue.  Be mindful of not laughing at each other, but with each other.  Fun isn't always spontaneous, with the day to day pressures of family life, so we need to create opportunities.

We have a few rules for stay-cations.
1. No jobs like housework or gardening.  Do these before the weekend.  Use paper plates if necessary.
2. Research and plan some activities.
3. Plan your meals so they're easy, including take away or restaurants

Planning may sound a bit tedious but it does serve a purpose by giving us something to look forward to.  Anticipating is half the fun.  Get the kids involved if it's a family stay-cation.  Ask them what they'd like to do. We were often surprised at what the kids asked for.  They may just like to play a board game, or go on a picnic and play cricket or kick the footy. 

I don't like playing games, especially Monopoly, but if it's a stay-cation, I'll play anything.  We have favourite music we all sing along to, while we play cards.  Now our kids are grown up, the Bee Gees and ELO still trigger happy memories, and we still sing when we play cards.  Kids want our time and attention.  A stay-cation is a great way to give them that.

We plan a break four times a year.  We have a longer holiday at Christmas and in the middle of the year and two weekends.  I love going to Kings Park in September to see the wildflowers.  We make a picnic, buy the newspaper, take a blanket and cushions and lie around under the trees relaxing, enjoying the gloriuos surroundings.  We plan to do things we'd enjoy but don't usually have time for.

By giving ourselves permission to relax, we take the time needed to nurture our relationships, build a family identity and develop ties of fun affection.

Anxious or Thankful

Philippians 4:6 NIV

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

We seem to live in a very anxious world.  There's a lot to be concerned about.  Sometimes our anxieties can consume us and chew up our brain space and energy.  While we're busy worrying, we're distracted from many of the tasks of life. But what can we do?

Cognitive behaviour therapy can be useful to retrain our minds.  We can develop a difference response to a situation, with practice and discipline.  We don't have control over all the things we might be anxious about, but we can choose how we will respond.  What does the bible have to say about this cognitive behaviour therapy mumbo jumbo?

I beleive God is quite a fan.  Romans 12:2 tells us we can be transformed by the renewing of our minds.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will." If we want to change, we're going to have to think new stuff.  What should we be thinking?

Philippians 4:8 NIV

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. 

There's a great start for us to be transformed.  God also wants us to have his peace, and not be anxious about anything.  it's a tall order, but He didn't leave us ignorant about how to do this.  We worry and feel anxious because we don't know what'sgoing to happen next.  What if... then what...  God is asking us to bring those anxieties and concerns to him through prayer, and with thanksgiving.  What would that look like?

We have our own business.  When I heard the news about another economic downturn, I admit I did feel anxious.  I've spent quite a bit of time worrying about our son's future, and who will care for him when we're gone.  What if I get hurt doing something, like a car accident, and can't work or care for Andrew.  You can think ofplenty of your own worries, I'm sure.  But yesterday God gave me a new insight about how I am to handle this.

The scripture about being anxious for nothing came to mind and it seemed like for the first time I got the connection to rest of the verse.  I was not to be anxious BUT be thankful.  So instead of worrying to myself, I can pray and thank God for our business and His provision.  I can thank God forAndrew's life and his future.  I can thank god that I am well and able to work.  I can reframe my anxieties into prayers of thanks.

Thankfulness not only retrains my mind with a bit of a distraction, but it also acknowledges that god is in control.  I can trust him to take care of the things I'm anxious about.  While I'm worrying, I'm forgetting that God has a plan for me, He sees what's going on, and I am in his care.  He's capable.

Who Are We When Nobody's Looking

This weekend we've enjoyed a 'stay-cation'.  It's like a vacation at home.  We plan activites we'll enjoy, eat out and enjoy leisurely, delicious breakfasts.  We also wagged church, so we could wake up late and read the paper.  I needed some milk to make pancakes, so Paul kindly offered to pop out.  On the way home, someone was driving impatiently, speeding, tailgating and generally trying to bully Paul into speeding. 

Paul noticed the guy was wearing a shirt and tie.  Nobody around here wears ties much, especially on weekends, unless they're going to church.  Paul wondered if this crazy driver would turn into the church he passed on the way home.  As he drove past the church, the guy behind him kept driving past, to Paul's surprise.  He was sure he'd be going to church dressed like that.  As they passed the church, Paul turned off to come home, then a funny thing happened.

After Paul turned off, he looked in his rear view mirror and saw the guy make a u-turn and go back and turn into the church.  We wondered what he was thinking.  He was most likely ashamed of the way he had been driving, and didn't want to declare his faith.  He didn't want Paul to know he was a Christian.  It's interesting what we'll do when we think nobody is watching, but there's always somebody watching, right.

Who are we when we think we won't get caught?  If nobody knows, it doesn't count.  But God is everywhere, and sees everything.  Everything counts.  We need to behave with integrity at all times.  Our life, whether we say anything or not, is our witness and our testimony to God's work in our life.  We are called to
shine as lights in the world.


Psalm 121:3,4
He will not let your foot slip—
   he who watches over you will not slumber;
⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
   will neither slumber nor sleep

Philipaians 2:15
That you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world,