Not In The Mood?

This is a comment we hear often.  I hear it in counselling and Paul hears it with naturopathy.  It's a really common secret, and it's not just women. 

There can be a number of reasons for not being in the mood.

1. Unresolved conflict
2. Resentment
3. Pay back
4. Control - saying no because you can
5. Hormonal imbalance
6. Not recognising changes with ages and stages of life
7. Stress
8. Depression
9. Medication
10. Diabetes

Desire discrepancy can cause a great deal of tension in relationships and it's one of the most difficult areas for many couples to talk about. 

Sex makes a mean weapon in a relationship.  One person can with hold sex to punish the other.  Instead of communicating effectively, one person communicates their unhappiness by with holding.  With holding sex is a form of communication.  The other person gets a message, but it's not a productive way to make a point, and it doesn't lead to resolving the issue.

Health issue also impact desire.  This can include diabetes, medication and depression.  Disability due to a health condition or an accident.  Pain. 

Stages of life bring changes in desire.  After a baby, mum and dad can be so tired it's the last thing on their mind.  There may be time needed for recovery after a delivery.  Desire can change as we get older.  As we age, it can take longer, and not last a slong or be as intense.  Menopause can impact desire.  Various times of the month can influence a woman's desire. 

Lifestyle can be unhelpful. Too much stress, being too busy or too tired.  Partners working away.  Sometimes when Paul speaks to couples about fertility, he asks them if they're having sex. Seems like a no brainer, you'd think?  Not so.  Many couples aren't having sex often enough, because they're too tired or too busy.

The good news is that you don't have to be in the mood to have sex.  Having an orgasm is an involuntary response.  If you do the right things, you can become interested, and end up enjoying sexual intimacy together.  It sounds very unromantic in some ways, but you can schedule sex.  Make sure you're not tired.  Plan for it.  Looking forward to an encounter can give you something to look forward to all day, instead of dreading the last job of the day.

1. Learn better ways to resolve conflict and issues
2. Have a health check - physical, mental and hormonal
3. Manage your time
4. Manage your stress
5. Plan times of intimacy
6. Consider saying yes anyway

If we continue to not be in the mood, we're asking our partners to go out into the chocolate shop, and not think about eating chocolate, not to touch chocolate, and certainly not to eat it.  We are surrounded by temptation all day, we starve our partners, leave them hungry and expect them not to think about eating, when it's being put in their face every day.  We don't want to meet their needs, but we don't them to meet them any where else either.  It's a bit unfair wouldn't you say?  Men and women are falling to temptation.

It's OK to say no sometimes, but often we can choose to be loving and say yes.