One book I've really enjoyed is called Failing Forward. Again, ironic. But is it? It's one thing to allow our kids to make mistakes and learn from them, but what about ourselves. As adults, mistakes seem to be bad things. As I've said to our kids, "If you're not making any mistakes, you're just not trying hard enough!"
The reason we make mistakes is because we're trying something new. We haven't mastered a skill yet and we're practising. When we learn to ride a bike on two wheels, we wobble, maybe fall off, but it's not seen as a mistake. We're just learning. Somehow, when we grow up, however, we get a new job for example, we're not learning, we're making mistakes we're ashamed of. What changed?
When we're kids, we are learning to be friends and get along with others. We say and do dumb things. Fortunately as kids, we have short memories, and don't hold grudges for years. We forget and are friends again. But, we become adults, get into relationships, say and do dumb things, but these are seen as mistakes and we're punished for them. Unfortunately, we're just learning, but we're not given the grace to make a mistake because we're adults now, and we should know better.
Young adults are new to having adult relationships. Ofcourse they'll make mistakes. When we're newly married, we're adluts, but we've never been married before, ofcourse we'll make mistakes. We have a baby. We've never had one before. We'll make mistakes while we're learning. Then you have another baby. You think you'll know what to do, but this baby is different from the last one. You're almost back to square one.
What about decisions we make as adults, when our children are old enough to realise things didn't quite turn out as we had hoped. Do we try to hide our disappointment and our mistake. When we say and do something dumb, do we hide it or own and it, and apologise. When we have conflict, are we able to model how to resolve a conflict or how to keep a grudge. When we have a failure, are we showing our kids how to be deluded, how to quit or how to get up back up and try again. By trying to avoid misatkes, we're saying we don't want to try anything new, because we're scared or we may look silly.
Mistakes aren't the problem. It's how we resond to them and get back up again, dream a new dream, and keep going.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Making Good Mistakes
Ironic? How do we make a good mistake? Is it even possible. The trouble with parents is that we always think we're right. We're older, supposedly wiser and have more experience. We know stuff, right. Therefore our children should always obey us without question. We don't negotiate becausewe're always right. Besides, we're bigger, have more power, and we want things done our way. Regardless of our age, this sounds like our parents, But before we know it, we have become our parents and we cringe.
I remember one day when our kids were younger, I had said we were going to do something fun. I don't remember what it was. But one of them misbehaved, so I said, "Well, we were going to bla bla, but now we're notbecause you've been naughty." My daughter was very upset and said, "You always do that. It's not fair. You say you're going to do something and then you take it away." Ouch! She was about nine years old, and she was right. That's not fair. I had ablind spot and I needed to listen to my nine year old to know about it. I had made a mistake.
After thinking about it, I said to the kids I hadn't been fair. Let's go bla, bla. I admitted I was wrong. I don't recall my parents ever doing that. Even when it was obvious they were wrong, we all pretended it wasn't, so as to keep up the illusion and avoid conflict.
Another example of not being fair happened before we began home schooling. Our daughter had misbehaved at school. I can't remember what she did. Something trivial I'm sure. Schools can be so petty. She was punished at school, and a letter came home, so I punished her as well! Again my daughter protested that she had already been punished, and it wasn't fair to be punished twice. She was right. So I didn't apply another consequence. In hindsight, I would have been better to comfort her and ask her what happened. Instead I was out for perfection and to erradicate all mistakes. To be seen to be a good parent by disciplining. I could have been a better parentby being loving and understanding and keeping my word.
Allowing our children to make mistakes is part of them growing up. Perhaps, it's part of our growing up as parents? Mistakes are good if we learn from them.
I remember one day when our kids were younger, I had said we were going to do something fun. I don't remember what it was. But one of them misbehaved, so I said, "Well, we were going to bla bla, but now we're notbecause you've been naughty." My daughter was very upset and said, "You always do that. It's not fair. You say you're going to do something and then you take it away." Ouch! She was about nine years old, and she was right. That's not fair. I had ablind spot and I needed to listen to my nine year old to know about it. I had made a mistake.
After thinking about it, I said to the kids I hadn't been fair. Let's go bla, bla. I admitted I was wrong. I don't recall my parents ever doing that. Even when it was obvious they were wrong, we all pretended it wasn't, so as to keep up the illusion and avoid conflict.
Another example of not being fair happened before we began home schooling. Our daughter had misbehaved at school. I can't remember what she did. Something trivial I'm sure. Schools can be so petty. She was punished at school, and a letter came home, so I punished her as well! Again my daughter protested that she had already been punished, and it wasn't fair to be punished twice. She was right. So I didn't apply another consequence. In hindsight, I would have been better to comfort her and ask her what happened. Instead I was out for perfection and to erradicate all mistakes. To be seen to be a good parent by disciplining. I could have been a better parentby being loving and understanding and keeping my word.
Allowing our children to make mistakes is part of them growing up. Perhaps, it's part of our growing up as parents? Mistakes are good if we learn from them.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
We're No Different, But Shouldn't We Be?
Ever been hurt in the church. No surprise there, right? If you've been in church any length of time, you've probably been hurt. The church only has one problem - it's full of people! Worse still, one of them is me.
I often explain to my clients how church is like any other organisation. People have faults, and hurt each other. Sometimes on purpose, but usually by mistake. Paul was talking with someone last week who had joined a medieval re-enactment club. He loved it because he felt accepted. Even though people were from all different walks of life, with different opinions, they all shared the loved of all things medieval, and that held them happily and co-operatively together. That what church should be like. All different, but getting along because of the common bond of Christ.
The irony is that the mere fact that we are Christian is because we realise we are not perfect. That's why we need a saviour in Jesus Christ, who is the only perfect one. Middle Eastern cultures also believe only God is perfect. When Persian rugs were made, they always had at least one deliberate mistake in the pattern, because only Alla is perfect.
For some strange reason, however, when we get into the church, we start pretending we are now perfect, set unrealistic standards for ourselves and others, and expect everyone else to be perfect too. Ofcourse, perfect to our own way of thinking. Everyone has a different idea of what perfect might look like, hence another reason for conflict.
To increase the pressure for perfection, somehow, we've managed to communicate to the community that we're perfect. They also have that expectation. You know how excited the media becomes when a preacher falls from grace, especially with financial or sexual sin. They gloat and mock at our lack of perfection.
One of the challenges we face in the church is exchanging the truth for a lie. The truth is we are way less than perfect. The bible repeatedly tells us so. We are sinners, we have fallen short, our hearts are desperately wicked, our righteousness is like filthy rags - need I go on! God knows we're not perfect, but still we try to impress Him and others with our version of perfect.
The lie is that we think we can achieve perfection in this life. We can't. But we never let the truth get in the way of a limiting belief, that essentially we can be like God -perfect. Now,where have we heard that before? That's right. That's how Lucifer fell and became Satan. We don't like to hear this, but when we think we can be perfect, or pretend to be perfect, we think we can be like God. That is a recipe for disaster.
We are constantly surprised when we are hurt in church, but we shouldn't be. We're in the company of fallen sinners. What did we expect! The church is not perfect, but it is a place where can learn to give and receive grace and forgiveness. As my friend shared at our "How People Grow" group, everyone is entitled to a silly five minutes. People have bad days and say and do unkind things. It's just life. But God is giving us the opportunity to grow, to learn to forgive and accept people, imperfections and all. It's not our job to give people what we think they deserve. Imagine if God gave us what we deserve!
The bible tells us others will know we are Christians by our love, not by our perfection. Love is where we know each others faults and mistakes, but love and accept them any way. That's where we should be different.
I often explain to my clients how church is like any other organisation. People have faults, and hurt each other. Sometimes on purpose, but usually by mistake. Paul was talking with someone last week who had joined a medieval re-enactment club. He loved it because he felt accepted. Even though people were from all different walks of life, with different opinions, they all shared the loved of all things medieval, and that held them happily and co-operatively together. That what church should be like. All different, but getting along because of the common bond of Christ.
The irony is that the mere fact that we are Christian is because we realise we are not perfect. That's why we need a saviour in Jesus Christ, who is the only perfect one. Middle Eastern cultures also believe only God is perfect. When Persian rugs were made, they always had at least one deliberate mistake in the pattern, because only Alla is perfect.
For some strange reason, however, when we get into the church, we start pretending we are now perfect, set unrealistic standards for ourselves and others, and expect everyone else to be perfect too. Ofcourse, perfect to our own way of thinking. Everyone has a different idea of what perfect might look like, hence another reason for conflict.
To increase the pressure for perfection, somehow, we've managed to communicate to the community that we're perfect. They also have that expectation. You know how excited the media becomes when a preacher falls from grace, especially with financial or sexual sin. They gloat and mock at our lack of perfection.
One of the challenges we face in the church is exchanging the truth for a lie. The truth is we are way less than perfect. The bible repeatedly tells us so. We are sinners, we have fallen short, our hearts are desperately wicked, our righteousness is like filthy rags - need I go on! God knows we're not perfect, but still we try to impress Him and others with our version of perfect.
The lie is that we think we can achieve perfection in this life. We can't. But we never let the truth get in the way of a limiting belief, that essentially we can be like God -perfect. Now,where have we heard that before? That's right. That's how Lucifer fell and became Satan. We don't like to hear this, but when we think we can be perfect, or pretend to be perfect, we think we can be like God. That is a recipe for disaster.
We are constantly surprised when we are hurt in church, but we shouldn't be. We're in the company of fallen sinners. What did we expect! The church is not perfect, but it is a place where can learn to give and receive grace and forgiveness. As my friend shared at our "How People Grow" group, everyone is entitled to a silly five minutes. People have bad days and say and do unkind things. It's just life. But God is giving us the opportunity to grow, to learn to forgive and accept people, imperfections and all. It's not our job to give people what we think they deserve. Imagine if God gave us what we deserve!
The bible tells us others will know we are Christians by our love, not by our perfection. Love is where we know each others faults and mistakes, but love and accept them any way. That's where we should be different.
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